When someone hurts me, I fantasize about killing myself to get back at them

‎I feel like a terrible person. Anytime someone hurts me or gets upset with me, I fantasize about killing myself to make them feel bad and forgive me. And then I actually want to kill myself because I realize how horrible and manipulative it is and think that I don’t deserve to live since I’m such an awful person, and then I feel even worse, so I actually start feeling suicidal, but I won’t do it because I don’t want anyone else to blame themselves for my stupid choices. I would never, ever tell anyone about it, ever.

I’ve never threatened to hurt myself to control people, and if I did go through with it I would never leave a note blaming anyone for it. But that doesn’t stop me from thinking about it. I’m so obsessed with keeping others’ approval and I can’t stand it when other people are upset with me even though I know very well that I deserve every bit of it. And somehow, some spoiled, manipulative, bratty, stupid, bitchy part of me deep down still thinks about it, like a child thinking, “I bet my parents wouldn’t be mad at me anymore if I ran away from home.”

I feel so disgusting for even thinking about doing something like that, but because I have these thoughts, I can’t help but feel that I deserve to be dead anyway.‎

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