I have a really supportive SO, but times are really hard for me right now. I don’t want to tell him how depressed I am, because I don’t want him to think he has anything to do with it.
From the outside, everything is fine. We live together in a great city and I’m doing better in school than I have in a long time (I got a poor grade on a quiz recently, but it was over stupid mistakes and at least I can learn from my errors), and everything should be great. I have a support system and a loving family.
But I fucking hate myself. My self-esteem has never been particularly great. I feel so unattractive and stupid all the time. I am a crazy girlfriend to my SO and live in constant fear that he’s going to realize how awful I am. I know this is unhealthy. I’m not proud of it.
I hate myself every time I hit myself or look at the red mark from the hair tie or rubber band. I hate that I am afraid to talk to anyone about it. I love my SO and I don’t want to make him worry. He’s stressed as it is and I don’t need him to worry about my stupid shit as well.
I want to be different so badly. I don’t know how to help myself or get help. I can’t find a therapist who is accepting new patients and I’m not medicated because the only medication that has helped made me really sick (dangerously so) so I had to stop. I just need help.