Though I haven’t cut myself in years, I still regularly self-harm through giving myself bruises and welts

I have bipolar disorder and my depression is overwhelming. I have scars all over my legs and my forearm from cutting, but I have since stopped that practice. Instead, I hit myself as hard as I can on my legs and torso, sometimes my head. I also will snap my hair ties against my wrist over and over again until I’ve somehow calmed down. (Someone once advised me that the hair tie snapping was a better outlet than cutting. I have no excuse for the hitting.)

I have a really supportive SO, but times are really hard for me right now. I don’t want to tell him how depressed I am, because I don’t want him to think he has anything to do with it.

From the outside, everything is fine. We live together in a great city and I’m doing better in school than I have in a long time (I got a poor grade on a quiz recently, but it was over stupid mistakes and at least I can learn from my errors), and everything should be great. I have a support system and a loving family.

But I fucking hate myself. My self-esteem has never been particularly great. I feel so unattractive and stupid all the time. I am a crazy girlfriend to my SO and live in constant fear that he’s going to realize how awful I am. I know this is unhealthy. I’m not proud of it.

I hate myself every time I hit myself or look at the red mark from the hair tie or rubber band. I hate that I am afraid to talk to anyone about it. I love my SO and I don’t want to make him worry. He’s stressed as it is and I don’t need him to worry about my stupid shit as well.

I want to be different so badly. I don’t know how to help myself or get help. I can’t find a therapist who is accepting new patients and I’m not medicated because the only medication that has helped made me really sick (dangerously so) so I had to stop. I just need help.

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