Molested my cousin out of frustration…

‎A great amount of years ago I was at a family party where a number of cousins, aunts and uncles showed up. My cousins are considerably older and have children of their own, which I’ll call second-hand cousins. At the time I was around twelve years old myself, so it was only natural that I would be hanging out with my three second-hand cousins which ranged from three up to nine. The evening went along and we were quietly playing on a play station in a room away from the family party. I sat on the floor with my cousin of three on my lap, while the other two cousins were off to the other side of the room, focusing on the television screen.

Now this is where it happened. Being around the age of twelve made me full of hormones. This coupled with the fact that my hormones were all over the place, I was very interested in how sex works. As my cousin sat on my lap, I began thinking of just feeling the female anatomy. I couldn’t get it out of my head. Ultimately I caved in when the other two cousins weren’t looking. I planted my hand in her pants and tried to feel how a vagina felt like, nothing more. This went on for about a minute before my cousin suddenly walked out of the room in a quiet fashion. Then the party was over.

The next day, my cousin (her father), called me and said that he wanted to talk. Apparently my cousin of three mumbled the following words to him: “[my name] vagina], prompting my older cousin to think I did something. When we met up he instantly roughed me up, telling me to tell the truth. At one point he was threatening to murder me – something I understand now that I’m much, much older. But I denied any involvement, out of fear from being outcasted from the family. The rest of the family believed me.

To this day the family believes me. But what has changed is that I feel incredibly stupid for allowing myself to do something like that. I realise that I was around twelve and didn’t have a clear understanding of the consequences. Nonetheless, I’m keeping it a secret because I’m afraid that my family and social life will be absolutely destroyed and perhaps legal action will be taken.

Although I was twelve, I know that I was in the absolute wrong to do something like this. Since it has happened I have been absolutely disgusted with myself and I will not make that mistake ever again. All I meant to do with have a brief feel of the female genitals… Knowing that I was a clueless twelve year-old, I still feel extremely guilty for what I’ve done. It’s an extreme burden that I couldn’t tell to anyone, so that’s why I did it here. Thank you for listening..‎

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