I’m Pregnant And Depressed

I’m about 6-ish months pregnant with my second child and I couldn’t be more thrilled to be bringing life into this world. I love children and want at least 7, but this pregnancy hurts me. I was in a weird kinda “side -chick” relationship for about 9 months with a fella I had previously had emotions for and it turned sour really REALLY quick, he was in a very serious relationship. I didn’t find out about his “main bitch” or girlfriend until we were about four months into the second take on our relationship, and I was DEVASTATED when I found out.

I was living with his mom for a short period because I was homeless and she was basically like my second mother, she was really good to me, she fed me, gave me money, talked to me when I had issues, and helped me find a job, but her son was what I wanted. We would lay in bed all day, talk about what it would be like to have children, he would hold me all night and it was perfect, his mom never knew, she worked at night and slept during the day, so neither of us really had to explain ourselves, or so I thought.

So I came back from work one day, very excited to spend the rest of the day with this guy I was so madly in love with, and I try to open the door but it’s locked. So I ask his mom what the deal was, that I needed to get into his room and she just looks over at me with this overjoyed look on her face and says “Kelsey’s over” (girlfriend). I am STEAMING at this point, but keep my cool because NOW I know why no one was allowed to know about us. So I sit on the couch and go through every choice I’ve made up until this point and decide he’s not worth my time, my love, or anything that has to do with me.

Slowly I got over him, I was ACTUALLY disgusted by him, he stunk, he was rude, lazy, and had bad teeth. He would come and talk sometime, just short talk and I would short answer him, we had nothing of even a speckle of a friendship, and then I found out all these terrible things about him, like how it wasn’t only me he was lying to, there were so many girls, I felt so bad for all of them and they just believed his lies.

One night while I was lying in bed (aka the sofa) in some drug induced state he just climbed on top of me and started fucking me, I didn’t make a peep, I didn’t moan, I didn’t yell, I didn’t cry, I didn’t make a single sound. I was so scared someone would hear me and they would think I was just this two bit whore, they would throw me out and i would be homeless again. I didn’t want that. So since it happened once it happened again. The same way, I felt foul, then I stared missing periods, which is normal for me so I didn’t say much to anyone. Out of curiosity I took a pregnancy test, it was negative, I thanked all the gods but the periods never came back, and now my breast were starting to ache too, so I took another one and you’ll never guess.

I came to him and told him what had happened, how I was pregnant and confused and didn’t want another baby, but his only response was, “it’s your problem now”, then I went to his mom and told her EVERYTHING and she had the exact same response “it’s your problem now”. So I left, heartbroken, alone and angry. I lived in a shitty motel for a bit, didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, didn’t care. Then I started thinking, I could give this baby the family he deserves, two loving people that want nothing more to have a baby, that can care for him, and never stop loving him, and that’s what broke me.

I’m so sad because of this choice, I don’t wanna have to give this baby away, I don’t want him to think I don’t love him, I don’t want him to feel his whole life that his birth mother just wanted to be rid of him. I’m terrified, I don’t want to wake up most days. I just want this to end.

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