Hiding sexual abuse committed by a sibling for 25 years

So my parents know. The law knew. I don’t know all the details there. I was five, and we all don’t talk about it or anything. My brother had to do some sort of community service. Whatever. As a kid I was fine. He said sorry, he got punished in a lot of ways. He was severely not trusted. Not allowed around kids, for a long time.
Now I’m an adult. I have kids of my own. My siblings either think I’m a bitch for not liking to have him around, or similarly hate him but not for the same reasons… at least that i know of. I can’t tell my siblings. What kind of attention whore would I look like at this point?
I’m married and I realize now how fucked up I am from all of it. I’m scared to have kids at my house to play with my kids, I’m scared to send them out. I don’t know how to cope with any of this shit and have nothing to draw on. My brother is in town this week, forced family socializing. I struggle with simultaneously hating his guts, and wanting to be at peace with everything and letting it go. And everyone wants to hate on the family for being so fucked up … it is fucked up. Is there a guide on what to do when your older son molests your younger daughter? Can you tell me what you would do?

I wish I had screamed to the whole family. I wish I had told them as a kid. I wish that we had been out in the open with it when I was little so that when I hated having him around so much… someone else could say “I can understand that.” instead of me just being alone, and trapped with no one to talk to except my parents and it just hurts them when I try.

I just want to be free. I don’t want it to haunt me anymore.



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