I made a lot of stupid mistakes in my life, most of which I don’t want to talk about, or even think about, though they constantly keep screaming in my head, as if I am slowly being dragged towards madness. A good year ago I got into an accident in which I almost lost my left leg, but after a costly surgery (which my insurance covered) and a year of rehabilitation, I am able to walk normally and even run.
It all sounds good but my leg doesn’t feel the same as it was before the accident, and I can’t do any sports. If I strain my leg even for a bit it hurts a lot, and sometimes I can even barely stand. After a while I got used to the pain and I don’t think it matters anymore, because I know my life will end someday and my current pain will become irrelevant.
I have no long-term goals or any inspiration, I only desire strength, but I am crippled because of my useless leg. I wish to end my life, I wish to cut open an important vein from which my life can escape my miserable self.
I would do so already, but the problem is that my life is perfectly fine, I have some friends, a caring family, a cute pet, and I’m currently living only on their behalf. I seek for a way that I can end all of this without hurting them.
I always thought of suicide as a cowardly act in which someone is too weak to keep facing reality, and I’d never think to be in this position where I think about doing so myself. I’ve read dozen of forums about this topic but all of them seem quite stupid on a “I want to die” – “don’t die, it’s not good” way. I don’t want to kill myself because I’m grieving, or afraid, or mentally hurt, or just plain dumb, I want to do it because dying is the only goal that I currently have and can’t find another.
I want to throw my life away, because I don’t want to live another day.