Confession: I can’t get over my fiance’s past

It’s always bothered me, but for some reason, it’s been unbearable for the past few months. We have both slept with the same amount of people (2), but our situations couldn’t be further apart. I lost my virginity to my first love and the second girl I had sex with was my girlfriend of 4 years.

My fiancé lost her virginity to someone who was essentially a man-whore. I’ve heard so many stories about the amount of girls he’s gotten with, and my fiancé was just another notch on his bed post. The second guy she slept with was a virgin, but that one is the one I keep obsessing over and there are multiple reasons why.

1: We knew each other and liked each other when she slept with the virgin. I know it was before we got together, but it still hurts.

2: He’s in our social circle. We don’t associate with him anymore, but I still hear his name mentioned by our friends and it brings up bad thoughts. When we first got together, it was a huge problem though. He was always around and I just had to deal with it, knowing that he had been inside her. I always felt as though he had won. She used to give him rides home from work and I remember when her and that group planned a beach trip (which I couldn’t attend), they were deciding who would drive. She offered and said “I call Virgin!” She wanted him to ride with her and she screamed it to everyone, in front of me.

I think the main thing that bothers me about it though is that everyone knows about it. It’s not something that we can deal with privately. They all know. When we first had sex, I had scratch marks down my back. I remember being prideful about it. I took my shirt off in front of Virgin’s best friend (not knowing her past yet) and he said “I’ve seen those marks before!” That completely took my pride away and made my first time with her nothing special. Another time, there was a party going on at this group of friends’ house and my fiancé was playing captain dickhead with everyone. They got to never have I ever and one of the guys said “I know what will get a few people out. Never have I ever hooked up with someone here.” She had to put her finger down and everyone knew why.

We don’t really associate with that group anymore. She knows how much it bothers me and she’s been trying to make everything ok. But for some reason, all of this has been really bothering me the past couple of months. I know I’m being irrational, but I can’t help how I feel. I wake up throughout the night thinking about it. I’ve had vivid dreams about their time together. It’s literally making me crazy.

I love her to death and I like the idea of spending the rest of my life with her, but these feelings can get really intense and I think it might destroy our relationship. I’ve started a ton of fights with her over it lately. She gets pissed sometimes, but she’s being very patient with me and she still tells me how much she loves me and can’t wait til we get married. I just don’t know if it’s fair to either one of us to continue our relationship or take it to the next level if I can’t resolve this issue.

There’s actually a lot more to everything, but it’s too much to type out and I feel like I’m already just fumbling around on this post. I just don’t know what to do besides post this and hope that someone has some advice to give me.‎

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