9 Ways Vaginas are Better Than Penises

1. Your vagina can lift weights. There was even a vagina weightlifter who traveled the world with a jade egg inside her that she ties a string around and then lifts everything from bottles of juice, fruits, desserts, and even a surfboard. Also, in 2009, a woman reportedly set the vagina weightlifting record by lifting over 30 pounds with it. Thirty pounds! That’s like having your vagina carry a month’s worth of laundry for you. What can penises lift? Themselves. That’s about it.

2. Clitorises have twice as many nerve endings as penises do. Clits have 8,000 nerve endings total (compared to a measly 4,000 in peens). Oh, and the rest of a woman’s pelvic area has another 15,000 other nerve endings. So vaginas literally feel more than twice what penises feel, which can’t be a bad thing when it comes to boning enjoyment.

3. Vaginas can have orgasms for days. If you’re one of those vagina owners who can have multiple orgasms (fist bump), you know how awesome it is to keep going and going while your guy stares at you like you’re mildly insane because he was only able to have one orgasm before drifting off to sleep town. But you are not insane, my friend. You are simply #blessed.

4. Menstrual blood could help patients suffering from heart failure. An ERC (endometrial regenerative cells) congestive heart failure phase II clinical trial is currently testing the safety of the ERC to treat congestive heart failure patients. ERCs are extracted from the blood and then grown in culture to generate different types of cells in the body. In this case, the cells are made into muscle cells of the heart, for reparative purposes in these patients. This is an experimental foreign study, and is not something that is being done routinely, but yes, it could help patients suffering from heart failure. As penises do not create menstrual blood, I’d consider that a win for vaginas.

5. Vaginas clean themselves. Most gynecologists recommend not washing your vagina with anything other than water because it cleans itself so well. While you’re walking around in the world, there’s basically a Roomba in there, while your guy is rubbing Axe body wash on his penis.

6. Vaginas have the same pH level as a glass of wine, which is classy as hell. The normal pH for vaginas is 3.8 to 4.5. Most wines’ pH falls around 3.0 or 4.0. On the other hand, the normal values for pH in semen are between 7.2 and 8.0, which is about the same pH level as water. Wine beats water and we know this.

7. Vaginas can trap a penis inside them if they want to. Gynecologist Michael Krychman, M.D., described a condition called penis captivus to Redbook: during intercourse “the pelvic muscles of the vagina clamp down on the penis much more firmly than usual, which can make it difficult or impossible to remove the penis from the vagina.” So if we ever needed them to be, our vaginas can basically turn into tiny prisons, while penises are pretty much just dull swords that can knock stuff over.

8. Guys can become infertile if someone simply taps them in the balls. I’m not saying it happens all the time, but back in 2006, a guy came up behind his friend and hit his testicles as a joke. When the guy’s balls continued to hurt, his mother took him to the doctor and they found that the tissue surrounding the testicle had separated from the scrotum, causing a strangulation of its blood supply, and damage to the testicle. This also lead to doctors fearing he’d be permanently infertile. Just from some kid tapping his balls! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve accidentally walked into something and hit my vagina and as far as I know, I can still have kids.

9. Vaginas can pass children through them and be totally fine, while penises can break just by being bent a little during sex. If an erect penis is bent suddenly and a tear in the tunica albuginea membrane occurs, the penis can be fractured. This causes severe pain, swelling, and bruising of the penis. So basically women can pass an 8+ pound child through their vagina, but guys can get injured just by aggressively masturbating. I think we have a clear winner here.

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