There are some really good reasons to avoid dating a married man BESIDES the glaringly obvious, 100 percent completely valid moral argument.
When we shame people and use morality as a coverall, the other rationale behind why one should stay far away often get lost. It also makes the whole thing into a race to get the other person to leave their spouse to justify the whole thing.
Then people say, “it was true love, it was MEANT TO BE.”
The problem is, even IF he leaves his wife for you — whitewashing the morality/shame issue — you’re still picking wrong. That’s why it’s so important to talk about the OTHER reasons why creating a relationship with someone married is bad news. There are rational self-interest reasons WHY that married dude is a terrible choice.
And, when we’re talking about love, it’s really hard to get to reach people’s rational self-interest if we just use shame. So I want to set the judgment part of why you shouldn’t date a married person aside for a moment and talk about the other consequences of dating a married guy:
1. He doesn’t have much time for you.
Between his job, his family and his other everyday responsibilities, it’s unlikely that you’ll get a real shot at his weekends or nights off. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day to provide you with a full relationship.
Your interactions will take on a boring, same ‘ol quality since you are limited in times you can be in public and the hours of the day that you can share.
2. The intrigue, sneaking around thing distracts you from serious compatibility holes.
Sometimes the emotional, forbidden fruit thing takes over, and before you know it, you’re so hooked on the illicit intrigue nature of the whole affair that you miss the fact that there isn’t much there besides sex and sneaking around.
Real compatibility INCLUDES the fact that they are single and could have a full relationship with you, not something part-time.
3. Are you really living your life to the fullest?
I like to think about things like this.
“If I saw this on the front page of the NY Times, would I feel good about myself?” If the answer is “no”, it requires reflection.
When we’re in love, it’s really hard to keep it to ourselves. Like Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch, fresh new love has a “sing it from the rooftops” quality. If you fall hard for a married person, the only person who might remotely be happy for you, in this case, is your dog.
Do you really want to introduce Mr. Married to your Mom and tell her the truth? I don’t know your Mom but I shiver at the thought.