Imagine sex is like a group project and you are obviously very invested in getting an A (or having an orgasm.) Your group members might be all talk but when it’s 3 AM the night before something’s due and you’re not ANY closer to that A, you might need to take control if you really wanna see it through.
So take charge. Show him the moves you use to get yourself off when you’re alone and let him in on the fantasy. He’ll love the idea of his own private peep show and he’ll be learning exactly what it is you need to get off. Honestly this is basically just investing in your future orgasms.
2. He likes it when you’re direct.
While he might act like he knows exactly what’s up, no one ever wished for *less* direction in bed. Save the ambiguity for pre-hookup sexting, and don’t be afraid to ask for what you really want.
If you’re worried about offending him (trust, you’re not), just focus on the positives to tell him what you are and aren’t into. Don’t be afraid of telling him, “Ehh that’s not doing anything for me,” but also “I really liked it when you were doing this before,” will help send a message, too. Positive reinforcement always works wonders. “Tell him how good it feels when he does something right, or remind him of a technique that always gets you off,” suggests says Georgia sex therapist Gloria Brame, Ph.D. “If he’s not giving you enough foreplay, ask him to use his hand or mouth to warm you up, saying that you want to draw out the experience.”
3. He loves all the visuals.
For men, what they see is almost as good as what they get, so make sure to give him an eyeful. “One time during sex, my girlfriend led me over to a mirror so we could see ourselves in action,” remembers Tyler, 21. “I found it really sexy, but what made it hotter was how into it she was
4. He wants you to feel confident about what you like in bed.
Being open about what you like, even if you’re worried about what someone might think, is the best way to connect with each other ~in bed~. Don’t be ashamed that he might think it’s “weird” that you need a vibrator to get off, or if you’ve always wanted to go dutch on a set of bed restraints. “Women are often afraid to get naughty in a relationship, because they don’t want to shatter any ‘good girlfriend’ image he has or they don’t want him to think they’re weird,” explains Brame. “But men want to see that no-holds-barred side of you — they just don’t want to offend you by asking for it.”
5. Spontaneity = good.
It’s easy to fall into a rut, but there’s nothing like spontaneity to keep things fresh in a hookup. You may also want to do something unexpected, like initiating a new position or trying a passion prop. “My girlfriend and I were out shopping when she suggested we check out this sex-toy shop,” Nick, 27, says. “We ended up buying this thing called a penis sleeve, which is basically a thick, bumpy condom. Not only was it fun to use, but I loved how eager she was to try it.”
6. He wants to mix things up.
Repetition can make once 🔥 sex life feel “meh.” So be open to varying things in bed. Any change in speed, pressure, or position will make the act more interesting and pleasurable. “Variety keeps him in a heightened state of arousal because he never knows what to expect,” says psychologist Joel Block, Ph.D., author of The Art of the Quickie
7. He wants to get primal.
Sure, binging Planet Earth might not be the hottest thing around, but there’s something to be said about looking to the animal kingdom for a little #inspo. Dave, 24, was totally psyched when a woman he was seeing asked to get a little wild. “An ex-girlfriend lay down on the bed and begged me to rip off her clothes, which I did. The sex was great, but letting me tear her shirt in half was the best part because it was passionate and intense.”
8. Sometimes, he just wants to do nothing at all.
Which, okay, fine. I get it. For every wild, aggressive bone-sesh you’ve had, your partner would probably welcome a break sometimes, too.
Brian, 26 says: “I was dating a woman who was sort of a bookworm. But when [we had sex] for the first time, she was wild. Before I could even try to take off her clothes, she threw me back on the bed and blindfolded me with her bra,” he remembers. “Then she gave me the best oral sex ever. I didn’t lift a finger.”
For a softer approach, Brame suggests positions like reverse cowgirl, which prevent him from controlling the rhythm. AKA, you can go at whatever speed you like.
9. He wants you to dominate him.
To dip your toe into Fifty Shades for Beginners territory, Dr. Kristie Overstreet PhD suggests telling your partner that he can’t talk, touch, or even move unless he’s told to. Tell him if he disobeys you or doesn’t follow your directions, he’ll be punished. Boss him around a little, and tell him how you want him to touch you, what to say, and direct his every move. Watch him squirm and remind him from time to time that you’re in control.
10. He wants to do something juuuuust a little kinky.
If you’re in a rut, a surefire way to distract yourselves from the issue at hand is to try something out of your comfort zone. Overstreet says that sex is often a way to release tension and stress. “For many guys, the more stress they have, the more they may want to do sexual acts that are out of the ordinary,” she says. (True for you too, btw.)
Try it out IRL: First off, have a conversation about boundaries and safe sex. Trying something kinky doesn’t mean springing blindfolds on someone out of the blue without any warning! Overstreet suggests asking him what he considers taboo when it comes to sex and communicating that you’re open to talking or trying out new desires you both have in the area.
11. He wants to talk about his fantasies with you.
Overstreet says that guys are often hesitant to talk about fantasies because it makes them vulnerable. The risk of sharing a fantasy and having it looked down upon on would be humiliating! If you open up the communication so he feels safe sharing his fantasy with you, it’ll only improve and help your relationship.
As with any sexual fantasy, it’s best to discuss details beforehand. Open up the dialogue by discussing one of your fantasies first. This makes it more comfortable for him to talk about his own fantasies, and will establish a baseline trust and safe space. Overstreet says this also can help the two of you discover which fantasies you may have in common, and if so, which would be easiest to turn into reality.